I had been having this odd feeling for days that i ought to be doing something, something to do with writing but I could figure out what…. Until… a moment ago… for real… I decided to search for answers…. what if there isa still a chance I could regain access and ownership to this blog of mine… I wasn’t expecting anything cause a while back I got a rude NO in my e-mail, so I gave in for months until now… and what happens!? Tadaaaa! I wrote my old e-mail address down and then just typed one of my regular passwords………… *PUF* I was logged in! It just cracked me up totally. I had beed sad for losing this blog. Ihad cursed that I had been so stupid… But here I am, logged in.
The thrill lasted for a moment….
Then I started thinking about my blog that I had started a while ago…. The weird thing is that I don’t know what to do now… in a way I had gotten used to the new one but I was always missing this blog cause it was my first blog in my entire life…. So now I need to think what to do with these two blogs….
When I was writing this blog the last time I was Miss M, but now… I don’t know if I am that anymore…
I heard this song just a moment ago for the very first time in my life and it touched each and every cell in me. I had many people around me during my stuggle with thyroid cancer, but there was one person missing. Now I have been officially free from cancer for two months. I’m a survivor.
Have you ever felt like you were trapped? Trapped in your own body? When you body works physically ok but you still feel trapped.
It feels kind of weird. One moment things are ok and then you find yourself sore and unable to function well. Then you lose the ability to talk. In a day your mind starts to play tricks on you.
You start to think of things that happen to you in the past. Those “What if?”s and “Why?”s come to life.
I’ve made my share of mistakes and stupid stuff in my life, that sometimes still come to haunt me.
Yes, there is some stuff that I would like to take back.
But at the end of the day those things have made me what I am today.
But somethings I just can’t get rid off.
I noticed that keeping things inside is really hard when you are not able to speak. It’s like there comes a point when you feel like you are gonna explode any minute. So I thank those people who have invented paper and pen and computer. In the past week I have been writing alot about me to me. Answering my own questions. And let’s just say that there has been alot of questions and alot of questions have been also answered. But I have this odd tendency to re-think and re-think. Sometimes it can be a good thing to think things twice, well, or three times. But it also can be a bad thing. A thing that holds you back.
Well, as I have said before I have many layers in me, which I can’t even reach myself. But that’s the thing maybe when I’m by myself those deeper layers come to the surface. hih! Maybe that’s it. That kind of makes sense in an odd, freaky way. Well, that’s me.
The worst feeling is when I’m alone and my feelings feel trapped. A few months ago I lost the love of my life. It all happened so suddenly and the timing was the worst. It was like a lightning from a clear blue sky and it hit right in to my heart and shattered it to millions of pieces. Then I felt out of place, trapped is the sadness and anger. Today I still feel sad, but the anger has faded away.I have trapped the love that I still have for my ex inside of me. I know it will never go away. I just have to learn to live with it. I just have to learn to see my life without holding her hand and hearing her laugh.
One of my all time favorite songs in Anastacia’s Time.
They say timing… is everything, but nothing you control ‘Cause there’s always tomorrow, but tomorrow never knows It’s one day at a time.
Time keeps running away No matter what’s left behind, it keeps on moving Tomorrow is not in today and all of your yesterdays Are only a matter of Time.. time..
And the journey of a lifetime, will begin with one step When you’re climbing up that mountain, It’s so easy to forget It’s one step at a time
Time keeps running away No matter what’s left behind, it keeps on moving Tomorrow is not in today and all of your yesterdays Are only a matter of Time
No-one knows how much time each of us has in this life. What I faced last year was something that took away all my plans and hopes and now I appreciate the time I have differently. For a long time I was holding on to the past but a few weeks ago I realized it wasn’t doing good for me. Yes I hoped and dreamed still but it was only in my head and heart, many things showed me that it was time to let go for good. It is still hard to think about it, but it is a part of my life and I’m learning to live with it.
What I’m trying to say is that you should look beyond the imperfections of time and people and try to find the good in things. I know it is hard but when you are face to face with death everything becomes much more simpler. You may notice that there is that one person you want beside you but they are moving on. It may be a sign for you to move on too. I was stupid to believe that I had that someone standing beside me and now I realize that I’m actually sitting here alone and listening to the silence.
As a cancer survivor, it would be nice to hear people wish one another a “Healthy” New Year instead of the common “Happy” New Year. Think about it. Happiness is a choice. I can wake up each day and set my intension on being happy and trying to be positivity.
When it comes to being healthy, I don’t have the power to be healthy. Don’t get me wrong, I can focus on being healthy. I can do things like watch what I eat, not smoke, exercise and more to stay healthy. But I could not control getting cancer. It was not a choice. What was a choice was my attitude towards it all. I made a choice to be a cancer survivor. I decided to fight the fight. I did what I had to do to beat it! You can to!!
The year 2011 is about to end soon and I thought it was time to sum it all up.
Off the top of my head when I think about the year 2011 two major things come on top cancer and a broken heart and they both appeared in to my life during eight days. First I got a text that said “maybe it is better that we are just friends from now on”, I was at work at that time and till this day I haven’t been able to set my foot in to that toilet where I read the text. What makes a person so humane and kind do such a thing, to break up with you through a text message? Till this day I can’t understand it. But I have forgiven her and I’m moving on in my life. I know my heart will be whole one day but it will take a long time.
Seven days passed and it was time to go and see a ear-, nose-, throat specialist and hear the verdict about my health. “You have cancer. It is called papillary thyroid carcinoma”. Still today I don’t know exactly what happened and what went through my mind right after it. I remember thinking I need to tell the most important person in my life – pause – why!? Do i need to tell her!? She already broke my heart. After a few hours I told her and the first word she said still ring in my ears “Shit” followed by her crying
Later on I felt like I deserved it all. In April my thyroid was removed and a month later I got more treatment, I got fatter, lost some of my hair and slept alot. A year ago today it all started actually, when my first doctor called me about the first biopsy and she told me I needed more examination in the hospital. But it took four months until I saw the specialist and got the verdict.
Today I have been 8 months and 13 days free from cancer. This years has had good things too happening. I’m getting closer and closer on finishing my studies and I have found my passion when it comes to work. I have gotten in touch with a few old friends, gotten closer with old ones and I’m getting stronger each and everyday. I have forgiven myself. I have accepted my flaws. I’m glad to be alive. I have found alot of strenght in myself. I look at life in a very different way. I don’t take things for granted anymore and I sure don’t let people in easily anymore. I did that once: I trusted, I put my faith on an other person to not break my heart, I didn’t care what people thought about me, I was true to myself about who I was. Today I’m wiser and still growing.
Happy New Year everyone! I hope the coming year will bring you joy and laughter, love and kindness, new adventures and a helping hand.
Do you think things happen by chance or choice? Fate. Do you believe in fate?
I have thought alot about what makes things happen in our lives. I believe in fate. I believe that there is some higher power guiding us through life. I also believe in chances and choices. A chance can bring choices to you and thise guide you through it and you have to have fate in your choices.
I made a choice yesterday to listen to my heart and give it room to breathe. Today I finally opened my mouth and said what I needed to say. I can say that it was heart breaking but at the same time it was a releave. I know it is not healthy to get stuck and be always reminded about your past. Today is a the last day of my past and the first day of the rest of my life. Some people may not be able to understand why I’m doing this but first and for most I’m the one that counts. I need to listen to myself. This is my chance to live again. My choice to move on.
Chances and choices are sometimes tightly connected to each other. It may hard to see the big picture sometimes but the biggest act you can do is to take the first step forward. Take a chance. Makes choices. Listen to the voice with it.