Trapped

Have you ever felt like you were trapped? Trapped in your own body? When you body works physically ok but you still feel trapped.

It feels kind of weird. One moment things are ok and then you find yourself sore and unable to function well. Then you lose the ability to talk. In a day your mind starts to play tricks on you.

You start to think of things that happen to you in the past. Those “What if?”s and “Why?”s come to life.
I’ve made my share of mistakes and stupid stuff in my life, that sometimes still come to haunt me.
Yes, there is some stuff that I would like to take back.
But at the end of the day those things have made me what I am today.
But somethings I just can’t get rid off.

I noticed that keeping things inside is really hard when you are not able to speak. It’s like there comes a point when you feel like you are gonna explode any minute. So I thank those people who have invented paper and pen and computer. In the past week I have been writing alot about me to me. Answering my own questions. And let’s just say that there has been alot of questions and alot of questions have been also answered. But I have this odd tendency to re-think and re-think. Sometimes it can be a good thing to think things twice, well, or three times. But it also can be a bad thing. A thing that holds you back.

Well, as I have said before I have many layers in me, which I can’t even reach myself. But that’s the thing maybe when I’m by myself those deeper layers come to the surface. hih! Maybe that’s it. That kind of makes sense in an odd, freaky way. Well, that’s me.

The worst feeling is when I’m alone and my feelings feel trapped. A few months ago I lost the love of my life. It all happened so suddenly and the timing was the worst. It was like a lightning from a clear blue sky and it hit right in to my heart and shattered it to millions of pieces. Then I felt out of place, trapped is the sadness and anger. Today I still feel sad, but the anger has faded away.I have trapped the love that I still have for my ex inside of me. I know it will never go away. I just have to learn to live with it. I just have to learn to see my life without holding her hand and hearing her laugh.

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