Reflecting and remembering #1

There has been many days that I have felt like writing a blog but everytime something has come in the way, either it is just pure lazyness or don’t know where to start or feeling blocked… it is like they have been running around me and sometimes it gets me big time so that I don’t have any energy to do anything.
I’m sitting outside in the sun, having a lazy Sunday (have done some laundry tho), listening to all kind of music and just enjoying the warmth.

The last time I wrote a blog I had no idea what was up ahead in store for me. I had no idea how my life would be changed forever. So the last days, weeks I have been doing alot of thinking about what has happend, where am I right now, how my life has changed and I’m still working out so many things. Some days are good, some days are not so good. Sometimes I just need to take a moment at a time. I’m trying to make some sense out of things and trying to put the pieces together. The thing that bugs me is that sometimes I just can’t concentrate in to anything, the feeling of anxiousness and I can feel my stomach twist and turn. And yes sometimes I ask myself “what did i do wrong?” and the “what if” follows me around everyday.

In March I got a text message that turned my life totally upside down. “I think it is better that we are just friends and maybe we will find back to each other”. I was in the toilet at NICU and my knees gave in. I fell to the floor and I couldn’t see clearly. The air had ran out fo my lungs and my mind was empty. It took me a moment to get myself together and go back to feed a baby. I still have a hard time understanding how a person that is so true and has said to me that serious things have to be talked about, a person with so much heart and tells me that she loves me. One tells me about respect, about how important respect is a in a relationship and in life. Where is the respect in a break-up text message? Later on regret and being sorry came on to the stage, but in my books it is abit too late, actions speak really loudly.
Why not call and break-up on the phone?! Is a person affraid of the reaction and that’s why they choose to text instead of calling?
In the past four years I thought we had an equal respect for each other and the connection was so strong. Yes I made mistakes too, I’m only human.
But that evening, that text message is tattooed in to my soul, it changed everything. I know there is no way back, no way back to what we had but in my heart I still love her so much and at the same time it feels so good but also it hurts. Hopefully one day I will get to the point where I can accept that part of my past.


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